Man’s greatest flaw: The Illusion of Control
Letting go of the need to control is the only way to control what you can’t.
Amidst a lockdown, as I binged the second season of Umbrella Academy, there was this scene where the wise old man says to the naïve little boy: “Man’s greatest flaw is the illusion of control”. It made me wish someone had said this to me earlier, seeing as I was home alone quarantining because of a random (totally uncalled for) global pandemic. I thought I would be attending a graduation ceremony and going abroad to train for a job I’d finally landed. I thought I had everything under control. Instead, graduations got cancelled, companies froze hiring, schools shifted online, countries went into lockdown, people lost their jobs, homes, and the worst of all, so many lost their lives. No one expected the hit but we have all had to deal with it in some way.
We live in a complex, unpredictable world. That’s no secret. It’s the way in which we try to make sense of it. Have you ever been in a situation where you thought you had everything under control and later found out that wasn’t true? That’s the trap of the illusion of control we often fall victim to. On one hand, it provides order and certainty in our lives but on the other, it leaves us high and dry in times like this. So why exactly do illusions of control persist?
First let’s look at what the illusion of control is and where it stems from.
The Illusion of Control
Ellen Langer first coined the term “illusion of control” in 1975, defining it as an ‘expectancy of a personal success probability inappropriately higher than the objective probability would warrant’. We have a tendency to overestimate our control over things and believe that outcomes are inextricably linked to our own actions.
Illusory control is often supported with causal links and patterns that we form between our actions and the outcomes. We choose to draw a line connecting dots that aren’t actually meant to be connected. Links and patterns validate illusory control as real control, and provide a plausible explanation for why things turn out the way they do afterwards.
We analyze past events in our lives to identify patterns to help us make better decisions. For example, if someone has had a series of bad relationships, they look for some commonality in the type of person they were with and make it the controllable variable to be changed in the next relationship. This control is illusory as their involvement has an influence but does not guarantee a positive outcome of the relationship. This is because the actions and behaviors of another person are out of our control.
Studies have shown that while gambling, people believe throwing the dice harder will land them a higher number whereas rolling it softly will result in a lower number. The made up link here is that the outcome (the number the dice lands on) can be controlled by the strength used to throw the dice. The outcome still relies on chance but we choose to believe otherwise because feeling in control is a key catalyst for taking risks.
The illusion of control is our safety net in the absence of real control. It enforces positivity by reducing negative emotions such as fear and self-doubt. It makes us believe in our own abilities and skills in situations that are governed by chance. Our confidence boosts and we are less afraid to take risks that we otherwise would not.
Ignorance IS bliss…as long as things turn out in our favor.
If the risks we take pay off, the illusions are reinforced. It’s a vicious cycle. We also risk falling prey to the illusory superiority effect by overestimating our skills and abilities when we get repeated favorable outcomes out of sheer luck. This false view of ourselves can potentially hinder our growth.
So why do we go through the trouble of making up illusory control instead of acknowledging that in certain situations it may not be possible to have control? To answer this question, we must ask another.
Why do we seek control?
The ways in which we seek control might be complicated but the underlying reason for doing so is actually quite straight forward:
We seek control because it makes us feel safe.
They say ‘what you don’t know can’t hurt you’, but that’s only true when you don’t know that you don’t know. When you know that you don’t know, now that hurts.
But why?
There is safety in certainty. We like knowing. What we don’t know, we assume will hurt us.
Acknowledging the operation of chance is scary. It means accepting that factors outside of our control can control outcomes. It also means not knowing how things will turn out despite our efforts and being okay with that. We’re scared of leaving things up to chance because what if things don’t go our way or worse…what if everything falls apart? We look for ways to guarantee a positive outcome. If we are in control then maybe we can stop bad things from happening to us. This is where we resort to illusory control (often subconsciously).
It makes the complex world around us feel predictable.
It makes us feel safe.
We use the illusion of control as our defense against uncertainty. There’s just one small problem.
The only thing illusory control is, is a time bomb.
Situations governed by chance are unpredictable. Having a false sense of control can leave us blindsided when things don’t go our way. We think we are in control of our health, the people in our lives, the money we make, the things we own and the world we live in when in reality we aren’t. We sure have strong influence over these things but not total control. This brutal truth hits us when we have to deal with unexpected injuries, sickness, heartbreaks, financial losses, deaths and disasters.
When the bubble of illusion pops, we find ourselves disappointed, confused and vulnerable to stress and anxiety. It even makes it harder to recover when you don’t have the right perspective.
That’s the horrible backlash of living under the illusion of control.
But we don’t have to be susceptible to illusory control as it is nothing but a byproduct of an unhealthy relationship with control.
What can you do to improve your relationship with control?
The feeling of having control is proven to promote happiness. It is essential to get your life together and achieve your goals. But seeking too much control can undermine happiness. So it is really important to find the right balance with control in your life.
Here are 5 ways to do that:
1. Become aware of the illusions and get rid of them
You need to work on your relationship with control. Real control. In order to do that, it is necessary to break all illusions first. This requires some self analysis on your part.
Take a step back and ask yourself these three questions:
Am I the only factor the outcome is dependent on? This is a tricky question. The outcome can only be solely dependent on you if it is about your own reaction, attitude, perspective and behavior. Our lives are inextricably tangled with our surroundings, affected by countless things and people. Think of who or what is involved in this situation besides you. Is it controllable? Can you accurately predict the other persons actions or behaviors? If the answers are no, then you might be overstepping thinking you have control. Do what you can and leave the rest up to the universe.
Am I relying on made up patterns or links? Reflecting upon the patterns and links you are trying to employ in any situation can lead to one of two conclusions: Either the pattern/link is legitimate (it has scientific, mathematical or statistical backing) or you are trying to exercise control where you have none, by hiding behind concocted theories so maybe take it down a notch. Some things happen randomly. Acknowledge the operation of chance!
Am I acting out of fear? If your actions are driven by fear, the chances of you adopting illusory control increase dramatically. Ask yourself: Is there something you are afraid of? Losing someone, failing at something, getting hurt or perhaps not being able to cope with a bad outcome? Fear of such things can make us exert illusory control but doing so can often do more harm than good. We can end up pushing people away, wasting precious time and effort or even hurt ourselves. Recently, due to the pandemic, people have had to evaluate risks of infection in modes of travel. Road travel is safer given limited contact with other people. But virus aside, travelling by car is actually statistically more dangerous as the odds of dying in a plane crash are 1 in 9,821 compared to the 1 in 114 of a car crash. People choose the mode of travel they think they have control in, that’s where they feel safest. This illusion of control is created out of fear of dying and its better to consider more factors before choosing a mode of travel. Possible stops, airport safety precautions, people you are travelling with, destination, duration of travel, and vaccination are among the many things that can influence your chances of staying safe but realistically none provide a 100% guarantee of this outcome. So…
Identify your illusions of control and snap out of them. Face your fears instead of hiding behind a false sense of security. This step is essential in order to shift your focus to finding productive ways to deal with uncontrollable situations.
“It is our attitude toward events, not events themselves, which we can control. Nothing is by its own nature calamitous — even death is terrible only if we fear it.”
― Epictetus
2. Shift your focus
The bad news: You’re focused on controlling things you can’t control.
The good news: Not everything is out of your control.
The better news: Working on things inside of your control can also help you better handle things outside of your control.
What you can control is what comes from within you: your reaction, attitude, perspective and behavior towards people, things, surroundings and experiences.
Shift your focus onto yourself. Look inwards. Things are going to happen to you no matter what and the only way to come out on top is to have the right attitude and perspective at the right time.
“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing, to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
— Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
Instead of worrying about a bad thing happening, take a moment to ask yourself what would you do if it does happen? Come up with a contingency plan that involves healthy coping activities like spending time with friends, watching a sit com, mediation, to help you cope and bounce back from any bad outcome. Preparing yourself mentally can help you redirect your energy into more productive areas.
Shifting perspective is not always easy.
It takes practice.
Not feeling in control can stir up negativity.
So every time you have a negative thought, try countering it with a positive one.
Every time you face something not in your control, think of a thing you can do that is in your control.
We have thousands of thoughts per day. Thoughts can be powerful when controlled. Focus on your thoughts. If they aren’t helpful, take a break to do an activity that can bring back your focus.
Practice!
3. Invest in yourself
The one thing fully in your control is yourself.
So invest in you.
Take the time out to do something for yourself. Something that betters you.
Remember. You can have a strong influence on the things you can’t control. To have the most influence, you need to equip yourself with not only the right attitude and mindset but also skills. These can be any type of skills. So take some online courses, meditate, exercise, eat and sleep well, read, read, read, whatever it takes to take care of yourself, to better yourself.
No matter the situation, you need to be at your best to give your best.
There is no time like the present so make the most of it.
YOU control your growth.
“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.”
— Steve Maraboli
4. Let go and accept uncertainty
The paradox of control is perhaps how we get controlled by our need to control…
…which stems from our fear of uncertainty.
The only way to break out of this paradox is to let go of certainty. Uncertainty can present opportunities to learn and grow. Not everything unexpected is going to be negative. Worrying, stressing and holding on to fear IS negative. So free yourself.
As Epictetus said in The Enchiridion, “Freedom is the only worthy goal in life. It is won by disregarding things that lie beyond our control.”
“The reason many people in our society are miserable, sick, and highly stressed is because of an unhealthy attachment to things they have no control over.”
― Steve Maraboli
Let go.
5. Trust the universe
In the book, Brief Answers to the Big Questions, Stephen Hawking states that an astronomical body can have a cataclysmic comet or asteroid collision every twenty million years on average. The last major collision event Earth saw was sixty six million years ago that wiped out the dinosaurs. Another one would have probably meant no intelligent life would develop on this planet.
But here you are. Look at you!
Beating the odds of space and time!
The universe wants you to exist.
The universe is on your side.
Trust it.
We live in a world with intricate causality and your current self is just a small part of the picture. Time eventually zooms you out and that is when you will be able to see the whole picture. That is when it will all make sense. So, till then float with the current of events and enjoy the journey.
Focus on yourself rather than things you can’t control. Become aware of the type of control you exert in your life. Make routines and schedules and follow them to cultivate a healthy sense of control in your life. Recognize situations that are up to chance but never stop believing in yourself. Give everything your best shot. Watch your thoughts. Be grateful. Embrace uncertainty. Some of the best things that happen to us are unexpected.
Take it one day at a time.
Things have a way of always working out!
Hope this article helped you in some way :)
